My Angel

Dear Aaruni,

My love Aaruni, its been over two months when fate fiddled around nastily and snatched you away from us, since then, life has never been same again. You came to my life as a miracle, showering blessings, a ray of divine hope after prolonged darkness. You were like sweet nectar to my parched soul, first droplets of rainwater embracing gasping Earth.

It still feels like yesterday, when i firstly took you in my arms, cuddled you. You were so little, opened your eyes and smiled and i felt complete, the most beautiful day of my life. I must confess my baby, i hadn't seen a more beautiful wonder before. You had this magic power of weeding out my sorrows, agony, all my failures vanished hearing your chirpy voice. Your voice made me call you my little birdy. I was mesmerized at times, by your sweet innocent gestures making me stand in awe. There had been moments when i feel happy and privileged just by looking at you while you were sleeping .

Gradually you started growing and as you embarked on the journey learning new things, i felt like a proud father. I must acknowledge i was frightened from the beginning for you, even decried the idea of giving solid diet lest you grow up, but you allayed all my fears making me confident of things i couldn't foresee that eventually extracted heavy price. As you started crawling and then waking, it use to make me nostalgic. I missed every moment, embraced every second, as i had the pleasure to grow alongside you.  This complacency made me foolish into believing in destiny taking turn for good, and went along as it fiddled with me, only to wake up from slumber by rude jolt. It has been nightmarish ever since.

I sit in silence sometimes and try to feel the plants that waved at you, birds on lemon tree that you chatted with, pigeon still come in verandah looking for you. Your water tub lay idle, and so are your toys😥.The void created by your loss, the damage incurred is irreparable but soon I discovered, no matter how great my loss was or how deep my grief, the world does not stop. Some people tried sharing pain, some tried to walk along, everyone tried their bit to comfort us in their own way but this misery doesn't subside. On my part, i tried many tricks but futile. I am still struggling relentlessly to come to terms with reality and is learning to live with my loss. Sometimes, i feel my pain is visible to others and i employ ways to deflect attention from my grief.

I have learnt that love never diminishes rather it grows with time. I used to believe the cliché that everything happens for a reason, it is part of God's plan and just need to have faith in him, your loss however made me question this belief. Although a part of me died on that dreaded day of April,time continues to tickle and we carry on with our responsibilities, but it would never be same again. I carried you in my mind while u were still in your mothers belly, and been carrying you in my heart the day you came to this world and will always be part of me till my last breath.

I often ask myself why you had to leave me? I could have held you forever, and I guess in some ways I always will, only just in my heart and not my arms.I don't know if i will ever be able to absolve myself of this unknown guilt that i wasn't with you when you needed me the most. I couldn't save you, had it been possible would have begged almighty to take me along with you.My story continues although your chapter ended, but I will carry you to the end of my book of life.

I will always be your Papa and you my little angel, will cherish every moment we were together.

Intricacies Of Life

                                            Its been almost a month and events that unfolded in last thirty days ,have shaken my belief on myself, my thought process which i have boasted in silence, was lying in tatters. It can be easily summarized as month of reckoning, the life seemed to have taken a complete circle and made me stand naked to face the intricacies of life. It seemed someone smirked and challenged me to continue to follow the philosophy of life that developed over a period of time after my unfortunate accident 17 years back.

                                         The month started(early October) on promising note, ushering in hope, a dear one who was languishing for last two years in pitch darkness was finally on the verge of discovering one of the most beautiful gift to mankind, to see the rainbow of life once again, in its full blossom. The festival of lights graced family with restoring eyesight to my father . It was even more joyful as it was the first Deepawali of my angel, my little sunshine. The karma finally paying heed i thought, the cycle seemed to have turned for the better. The philosophy of karma, is a borrowed concept for me, gradually cleaning the cobwebs of mind and firmly shaping my outlook for life.

                                          Karma, i am told has everything to do with how we lead our life. Karma (past deeds as well as present) determines your present and future, so basically one decides his own destiny. With time, i developed strong affinity with this principle, and adjusted accordingly. Even death of an elderly during this time didn't alter my belief, neither did i question the timing. But the horrific accident and pain endured by my loved ones, the hour which i have to sit alone, waiting for news about on accident, jolted my belief on theory of Karma for good.

                                     These theories, in my opinion are nothing but attempts by humans to find reason where nothing exists. These theories are nothing but attempts by humans to find rationale where nothing actually exists. These theories like religion are fake. What is there to say? There is only so much anyone of us have, any control over good or bad , we are puppets who play according to circumstances. We all have to learn to move on, giving too much credit for things, we were mere spectators off is silly. You just embrace the reality and move on. I mean what fucking alternate does one really has? Guess there's nothing like destiny, just circumstances unraveling before us , nothing to do with past or anything like that and how you react becomes your fate.